Death is one of the most difficult subjects to breach with young children. Yet it is an inescapable part of life, and one our children will face some or other time. We recently had to tell our three-year-old about the death of our dog. It was one of the most difficult things my husband and I have ever done and in the process we learnt a few valuable lessons.
Honesty is the best policy
Although a little white lie might seem like the best possibility, experts advise being honest and upfront with your little one.
Don’t downplay the death of a pet
A family dog or cat is often a child’s first and best playmate offering them unconditional love and companionship. Keep in mind that the death of a pet not only means the loss of their best friend but also the first brush with death for most children. It’s important to offer a lot of sympathy for your little one’s loss.
Encourage your little one to talk about their feelings and express your own
Make sure your little one knows that it is ok to feel sad or mad about the death of a pet. Give them the permission and space to communicate their emotions. Whether it is in a conversation or in picture or song.
Grieve with your children. Don’t be afraid to cry in front of your children. Remember learning how to deal with sad emotions is an important lesson for a young child, so let her see that you are sad. Explain that grownups also feel sad sometimes and need to cry. Be careful to lose control in front of your little one. If you need a good cry try and do it in private. You don’t want to frighten your little one on top of being sad.
Avoid euphemisms
Phrases such as ‘put to sleep’ or ‘eternal sleep’ are confusing for children, so don’t say your pet is ‘sleeping’ or ‘has gone away’. You don’t want your little one refusing to go to bed, because she is afraid, she is going to die. We found it was a lot better to be as clear as possible without being insensitive.
Answer their questions
Remember, despite how well you answer their questions there still will be aspects of death that they won’t and can’t understand. According to a professional, I spoke to, small children cannot grasp the fact that death is inevitable and permanent and happens to everyone. And that is ok.
Give brief and simple explanations and answers
Young children can’t handle too much information – so keep your explanation and answers brief and simple. We found a short and simple explanation worked well for us. We explained that Roger had become sick and that he died. Which meant he was gone and couldn’t come back. The level of detail provided should correlate to the child’s age and question.
Be prepared to repeat yourself
You can expect the same questions from your child repeatedly since he will probably struggle to understand the permanence of death. So gather all your patience and prepare to answer the same question many times.
Different strokes for different folks
Just like adults, young children react to death in a variety of ways. Some become clingy refusing to go to school. While others might not show any reaction at all. According to those in the know children process grief in bite-sized chunks. Some may even delay grieving until they feel it is safe to do so. Pre-schoolers may even play dead. Although you might find this disturbing or creepy, it is normal and should not be discouraged as it is a way of dealing with their feelings.
Consider a goodbye ritual
I love rituals. They carry meaning further than words or concepts can. A simple goodbye ritual can be very meaningful. For some little ones it’s helpful to have a simple ceremony where the pet can be remembered and honoured for the role the pet had in the family. If a ceremony seems to much, take some time out to look at photos of the pet or tell stories about the fun times the family had with the pet.
Get help
If your little one seems to be having an especially difficult time coping, get professional help.
xxx
